


i miss kevin :(

by frogbackpack



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode: s09e09 Holy Terror, Episode: s09e10 Road Trip, Episode: s09e11 First Born, Kinda, Season/Series 09, Suicidal Thoughts, its not rlly like hey im gona kms, more like yeah lol i wouldnt mind getting hit by a van, so uh, sorry i cant tag rkgbdf, this takes place roughly thru those eps so yeh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 10:03:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18547552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frogbackpack/pseuds/frogbackpack
Summary: a lil thing abt how sams feelin w all the gadreel shit yeehaw





	i miss kevin :(

Sam isn't conscious every time Gadreel takes control over his body. 

Almost every time.

Every single fucking time, he doesn't remember. He wasn't awake. Sleeping in his mind while his body remained awake. Every single fucking time, except when he has to watch as his own hands burn Kevin's eyes out while he's powerless to stop it. 

He screams in his mind, begging Gadreel to stop it. Just fucking stop, please. But then It's too late. Kevin's body lays on the floor, eyes still steaming, as Dean's shouting fills his ears.

He doesn't understand why Gadreel didn't erase his memory again. He knew. He knew he only did it because Dean couldn't let Sam find out. Now that he knows, there's not really a point to it anymore. But now it doesn't matter and he feels the blood on his hands.

Sam can't be angry. But he is. He's pissed right the fuck off. He was ready to die. He wanted it, even. He was supposed to die years ago, the second Jake's knife lodged in his back. If Dean never brought him back, he never would've gone to hell and broken the first seal, and Sam never would've gotten addicted to demon blood and started the fucking apocalypse. Nothing would've happened leading up to him getting unwillingly possessed by someone who was supposed to help.

He wouldn't have had to sit backseat in his own body, watching as he killed his friend.

He can't help being mad at Dean for tricking him into saying yes. But he still blames himself. If he'd just completed the trails, maybe he would've just died in peace. As peaceful as you can die shutting the gates of hell, at least.

Next he knows, he's still in his head, not knowing what's real or not. It isn't the first time, and he knows it won't be the last. Crowley's there. Poughkeepsie? Poughkeepsie. How's he supposed to run in his own head?

**Did I kill Kevin? No, you didn't. He did.**

Sam isn't so sure. If he'd have just realized sooner that Gadreel was riding shotgun, if he fought to take control back like he did with Lucifer. He snatched the wheel right from the fucking devil's fingertips, but he couldn't do the same for one little angel?

Maybe he wasn't just another angel. Maybe he was more powerful. Not more so than Lucifer, but enough.

And maybe this wasn't like Detroit. Like Lucifer. That had been horrible, but at least that was his. He said yes. He had the choice to say yes. He said yes to Dean, but Dean wasn't Dean. Dean was a liar angel wearing Dean's face. That hardly counted as a choice. The willingness to say yes to something he didn't know he was agreeing to couldn't count.

And now he has to carry on knowing Gadreels out there, and that his own brother betrayed his trust in such a way, and Kevin was dead because of him.

**You didn't. He did. He did. He did.**

But Sam couldn't stop him. Sam couldn't stop him and now he had to live with knowing Kevin's death was weighing on his conscious.

**Couldn't let you die. Kevin's blood is on my hands. Poison. Burn for it. Burn. Burn.**

Sam's mind is fuzzy and Dean's leaving and Cas isn't. Cas stays. Cas goes back to the bunker with him.

Gadreels grace makes him feel ill. The same grace that killed Kevin, same hands. Sam needs it out. Willing to die if it means finding Gadreel. Burning pain. He's sure he's gonna die. He welcomes it with open arms.

**But, Sam, nothing is worth losing you.**

His stomach feels like he ate butterflies and he wonders if it's more leftover grace, hiding deeper within him. But it's not and it's gone. It's gone and there's not enough.

Sam wishes Cas had kept going. He wanted to find Gadreel. Kill him with the same hands that killed Kevin. Part of him wanted to die, grace or no grace. The more the better, though, right?

The more grace the more he can use. The more chance there is at finding Gadreel and making the son of a bitch pay. If getting said grace kills him, then so be it.

Part of him wishes he had enough grace still in him to burn Gadreels eyes out of his sockets.

Just like Kevin.

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for readdiiiinnnnnnnnng


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